Sunday, 22 December 2013

Life: Does Intimacy Matter?

So, I'm on a downer again. Please read this later if you are interested in the question, but don't want anything to damage your seasonal cheer. Sorry it's another post without any pictures and I seem to be using this blog as a soap box at the moment. Sometimes, just getting these things out actually helps. I don't think I'm expecting any responses to the question, but welcome anyone's ideas if they care to share them.

I've been asking myself the above question very regularly recently. I'm not necessarily talking about sex, but those moments of having someone special in your life and the snuggling on the sofa or just missing each other when your not together.

As anyone who reads my blog (if anyone actually does!) will know, I'm over 40, single and have never had a relationship. I share a house with a woman and her daughter and I've shared with them for over 18 years. Ever since I was 16 or so and realised I was ugly and/or undesirable to the ladies, I gave up on having a relationship. That was fine until I approached 40 when something changed in me. My head still rules my body, but my heart is craving or yearning for something that I've never had. It hurts and I feel so lonely at times.

Now, my housemate is my one and only friend and I wouldn't do anything deliberately to hurt her, and I know that she see's us as a family unit. She is single herself, yet has had relationships in the past. One of which almost killed her (and would have done if something hadn't made me wake at 2am one day). She says she sometimes feels lonely too, she doesn't believe she'll have another relationship and that I should just suck it up and stop feeling like I'm missing out. After all, relationships are hard work and aren't all about those lovely, sweet moments together. Maybe I'm just going through a mid-life crisis? Every day, something will remind me of what I've never had and as a social phobic, realistically will probably never have.

Some reading this may say, just go out and find someone. But it isn't as easy as that (tried the internet dating thing one time, had a few interested people who I never heard from again as soon as my photo went up). My housemate has had a hard life and is happy in this 'family' unit we have built together that was once described as like a marriage without the fun bits. Tbh, it has given me, so, so much as well. I don't want to damage that but my heart is clamoring for attention after being ignored for 40 years. About 6 months ago, I sort-of met someone on the internet. We exchanged lots of emails, skyped, etc and I felt close to her. I was fooling myself though. 4000 miles is much to far to have a relationship with someone. It ended 3 months ago, yet I still miss her and the dreams of what could have been. My housemate took this 'relationship' badly and felt I was just going to get up and leave the 'family' at a moments notice on some fantasy that wouldn't work out. At one point she felt so threatened that she even offered herself to me in a bid to keep me here. I declined as I knew her expression of love for me wasn't real in that way. We are like siblings and the thought of us together is just weird. I care for her, but I've no idea if those feelings are love, as a difficult childhood means that I don't actually know what love feels like.

So, my question is, can we live a life without intimacy? Does being human require intimacy?

I'm old and believe my chances of meeting someone are virtually non-existent, so it's probably all a rhetorical question anyway. I want to feel happier in myself, so I can be happy and fulfilled for those around me, so how do I bury these feelings so I don't feel pangs of pain every time a couple share a cuddle on the TV or someone on G+ expresses how happy they are that their partner is with them.

I know some people would recommend not burying these feelings, that I let them out for once. But I know doing so would irreparably damage my relationship with my one-and-only friend and because of her experiences, it would probably ruin her life as well as mine.

I can only hope that the new year brings better cheer. Maybe I'll stop feeling this way, or will find an activity to throw my heart into so it stops yearning for intimacy, love, and maybe even sex. If I don't get on top of this soon, it's going to be a very difficult in the weeks surrounding that day in mid Feb!


  1. Yes Coleen intimacy matters and it sounds like you have some right under your nose! Intimacy is a friend you can share thoughts with and apparently yo and your housemate share that at least.
    Please stop looking in the mirror and saying "no one would ever". Physical attraction is superficial and fleeting, real intimacy goees far beyond that! You sound like a lovely thoughtful caring person and I'm sure there are many many women and maybe men too depending on your desires that would love to get to know you.
    You have to put yourself out there in the world. Sometimes you'll get hurt, there are no guarantees there but it seems to me that are lots of superficial people in the world and you're better off without them!
    There are many ways to meet people but I think if you project a happy and caring personality people will respond in kind.
    I hope that the world sees the sweet Coleen that I see through your posts and I wish you so much love and hope for a Happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year!
    If I was there I'd give you a hug!


    1. Kaaren,
      Thank you so much for your reply. I'm sorry that i've only just seen it.
      Big hugs to you too my dear. I'm nearly in tears here (must be those allergies :) ).
      If you've read my latest blog, you'll see i'm trying to make some changes and get out there. Hopefully by the end on 2014, i'll be feeling more positive

      Love you sweetie. Behind your blog that never fails to excite me is your heart of pure gold.

      Thank- you so much

  2. *soft sigh*
    Just to be clear, I am in no way a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, or counselor in any way and my advice has no further basis than My own meandering bumbles as I stumble through life, further the only thing I seem to be completely capable of achieving with My heart is breaking it.
    That being said, the nigh immortal bard once wrote “this above all; to thine own self be true.” And with that in mind this is my humble advice to you.
    The heart wants what the heart wants there is no arguing, reasoning or even justifying it, and at the end of every day you have only yourself to answer to. If you are unhappy in the situation you find yourself in change it, broken hearts heal, sometimes on their own, sometimes with the help of another. There are small intimacies in every day, in every relationship, if this is not enough for you than you need to find what makes you happy, because there is no greater thing in this world than love. TLSCP

    1. Unknown,
      Thank you for your support and your words.
      You're right that there are intimacies in everyday life, especially when you've shared with each other for over 17 years.
      I think my troubles come from the fact that I want my flatmate to be happy if I meet someone, not threatened by it. She says she reacted badly to my internet relationship as it caught her by surprise as she didn't know I was talking to anyone.
      I'll try to keep her updated next time in the hope she'll share my joy.