Monday, 30 December 2013

Life: I need some second opinions

So I blogged a few days ago about how I'd had a good day and had spoken to my flatmate about getting some interests in order to be a happier person. I thought she was happy for me and she was even talking about getting out more herself.

Unfortunately, I don't think she is happy about that. She seems to equate me having interests as one step closer to me moving out and leaving her high-and-dry. She sees us as a 'family' for the long term and fears that if i become happier that i'll leave the 'family'.

Yesterday seemed full of tensions, like there was an atmosphere. Nothing was said directly, but there were a few comments throughout the day, which could be seen as veiled digs. At one point she declared she was going away for a holiday with her daughter, but after I told her to go for it, she later said I'd be included as well. She's even decided to go back to work a week earlier than planned, saying she needs the money and she's bored at home. Those reasons are perfectly valid but there were also comments about "everyone's in the house" as if she doesn't want to be here when I am.

Now she knows about my social phobia and she knows about the struggles I've had with wanting to meet someone. Christ knows, I was in tears about it as recently as a few weeks ago. Yet despite this she seemed to be rubbing my nose in it when she announced she's had an email 'out of the blue' from someone she spent an evening with a number years ago. She asked if she should meet up with him. I told her to get out there and have a drink with him. She said "No, I'm not dating the guy. I just want to fuck him.", seeming to go directly for my biggest insecurity. I told her to go for that as well. After all, I'm not her partner, just her flatmate and have no right to stop her doing whatever she wants. All I want, as her friend, is for her to be happy.

A little while later, she brought him up again and seemed to make a great point in saying "Dating is easy. You just go". For all her claims, this sounded like she didn't understand social phobia after all, in the same way that a non drinker can't understand why an alcoholic can't just stop (bad analogy but hopefully one that more readers can understand as it's been addressed in a number of films)

Now, I've been running on 3 or 4 hours sleep a night for weeks. I'm tired and seem to fight depressive thoughts every day. It's entirely possible I've reacted badly to what she's said for those reasons, so I'd be grateful for some second opinions.

Does it sound like she's trying to deliberately hurt me without saying it directly, or am I just being over-sensitive?

Today could be 'interesting' if she really is trying to hurt. We are going to the Winter Wonderland at a local (but world famous) gardens together with her daughter as a New Years Event type thing. I'll have to see if any comments come my way.

Sunday, 29 December 2013

Life: Holy Crap. The lyrics of my life

As you know, I'm currently trying to fight my way out a funk that's lasted a very long time. One of the things that's helping is music. So on trawling through YouTube, I found an album that I haven't listened to in a while. One songs lyrics has just hit me right between the eyes:

"Wearing The Inside Out" - Pink Floyd

From morning to night I stayed out of sight
Didn't recognize I'd become
No more than alive I'd barely survive
In a word...overrun

Won't hear a sound
From my mouth
I've spent too long
On the inside out
My skin is cold 
To the human touch
This bleeding heart's
Not beating much

I murmured a vow of silence and now
I don't even hear when I think aloud
Extinguished by light I turn on the night
Wear its darkness with an empty smile

I'm creeping back to life
My nervous system all awry
I'm wearing the inside out

Look at him now
He's paler somehow
But he's coming round
He's starting to choke
It's been so long since he spoke
Well he can have the words right from my mouth

And with these words I can see
Clear through the clouds that covered me
Just give it time then speak my name
Now we can hear ourselves again

I'm holding out
For the day
When all the clouds
Have blown away
I'm with you now
Can speak your name
Now we can hear
Ourselves again

Life: "Good news everyone..."

"You're going to the planet of certain death."
Sorry, couldn't resist the Futurama quote.
So I've moaned and whinged and stuff a lot on my blog, working through some issues and trying to figure out my direction. For a change I thought I'd give you some good news :)
Today has been a good day, partly helped by finding £100 in my wallet that I didn't know I had! :)
Following on from my resolution post, I started with a nice long walk today. Had to go to the pet shop to get some supplies, so walked it. I've been told I walk pretty fast and managed to cover about 4 miles in 75 mins, half of it with rabbit food on my back and hay in my hands. I don't know if that really classes as being fast though.
Came back from there and then went to have my hair cut which means I feel tidier as my hair is horrible when it's long.
I also managed to practice a bit more on the guitar. Trying to learn some riffs to toughen up my fingers. They're short and stubby, so chords are a bloody nightmare as when i press down on one string, my fingers  touch others causing horrible noises. Hopefully, it'll get easier.
I also had a chat with the flatmate and she's supporting the changes i'm making and is even planning on making ones herself. One of those changes for her is a twice weekly walking session with my boss. I'm slightly worried that things may get said but that worry is far outweighed by my happiness that she's making changes for her own happiness. If it gets round the office that i've never had a relationship, i'm sure i'll get a few comments but people have taken the piss out of me for being short all my life so it's nothing new!
So a pretty good day I think. I also have the impression that 2014 could be a good year. I've just got to keep the momentum going and that's going to be difficult on cold, wet, windy days after a long week at work.
If you see me slacking in the coming year, please give me a kick in the arse!

Friday, 27 December 2013

Life: Reflections and hopes

Its that time when we reflect on the past year and look forward to the next so I thought i'd share some thoughts.
So what can I say has happened over the past year? I found and lost an online relationship. Although, on reflection, that relationship was doomed from the start, there are still times I miss her. I hope she's doing well and is happy.
I started off the year feeling very low and not really knowing the reason. I'm still low but believe I know the cause. Unfortunately the fix is not easy but for the first time in my life I can say that I believe I want a special someone in my life. Sad that I spent my first 40 years denying myself any fun, but need to move on and try to fiz it.
I dont know if i'll ever find someone to spend the night and more with as I am not an island and others I care about would be affected if it was to happen. Mind you, if I went out at night with the intention of returning with a partner, a fly-on-the-wall would be watching a car crash of epic proportions. So i've gotta take baby steps just to get out my front door first!
So Resolution 1: i'm 2 stone overweight, and the gym scares the hell out of me. So i'm going to do a lot more walking, take a very long route home every day. Eventually, maybe, i'll join a gym but that'll be later in the year.
Resolution 2: I need to go out more. I'm a hermit with no friends outside of the house (unless you count g+ :) ). so earlier in the year I saw the council run group guitar lessons so i'll find it again and join up.
So that's my plan. Hopefully it's achievable. My theory is that if I can lose some weight and learn to socialise, maybe, just maybe, that dream of finding a partner will be a litte closer.
If anyone has any suggestions/recommendations or whatever, please drop me a line.

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Life: Does Intimacy Matter?

So, I'm on a downer again. Please read this later if you are interested in the question, but don't want anything to damage your seasonal cheer. Sorry it's another post without any pictures and I seem to be using this blog as a soap box at the moment. Sometimes, just getting these things out actually helps. I don't think I'm expecting any responses to the question, but welcome anyone's ideas if they care to share them.

I've been asking myself the above question very regularly recently. I'm not necessarily talking about sex, but those moments of having someone special in your life and the snuggling on the sofa or just missing each other when your not together.

As anyone who reads my blog (if anyone actually does!) will know, I'm over 40, single and have never had a relationship. I share a house with a woman and her daughter and I've shared with them for over 18 years. Ever since I was 16 or so and realised I was ugly and/or undesirable to the ladies, I gave up on having a relationship. That was fine until I approached 40 when something changed in me. My head still rules my body, but my heart is craving or yearning for something that I've never had. It hurts and I feel so lonely at times.

Now, my housemate is my one and only friend and I wouldn't do anything deliberately to hurt her, and I know that she see's us as a family unit. She is single herself, yet has had relationships in the past. One of which almost killed her (and would have done if something hadn't made me wake at 2am one day). She says she sometimes feels lonely too, she doesn't believe she'll have another relationship and that I should just suck it up and stop feeling like I'm missing out. After all, relationships are hard work and aren't all about those lovely, sweet moments together. Maybe I'm just going through a mid-life crisis? Every day, something will remind me of what I've never had and as a social phobic, realistically will probably never have.

Some reading this may say, just go out and find someone. But it isn't as easy as that (tried the internet dating thing one time, had a few interested people who I never heard from again as soon as my photo went up). My housemate has had a hard life and is happy in this 'family' unit we have built together that was once described as like a marriage without the fun bits. Tbh, it has given me, so, so much as well. I don't want to damage that but my heart is clamoring for attention after being ignored for 40 years. About 6 months ago, I sort-of met someone on the internet. We exchanged lots of emails, skyped, etc and I felt close to her. I was fooling myself though. 4000 miles is much to far to have a relationship with someone. It ended 3 months ago, yet I still miss her and the dreams of what could have been. My housemate took this 'relationship' badly and felt I was just going to get up and leave the 'family' at a moments notice on some fantasy that wouldn't work out. At one point she felt so threatened that she even offered herself to me in a bid to keep me here. I declined as I knew her expression of love for me wasn't real in that way. We are like siblings and the thought of us together is just weird. I care for her, but I've no idea if those feelings are love, as a difficult childhood means that I don't actually know what love feels like.

So, my question is, can we live a life without intimacy? Does being human require intimacy?

I'm old and believe my chances of meeting someone are virtually non-existent, so it's probably all a rhetorical question anyway. I want to feel happier in myself, so I can be happy and fulfilled for those around me, so how do I bury these feelings so I don't feel pangs of pain every time a couple share a cuddle on the TV or someone on G+ expresses how happy they are that their partner is with them.

I know some people would recommend not burying these feelings, that I let them out for once. But I know doing so would irreparably damage my relationship with my one-and-only friend and because of her experiences, it would probably ruin her life as well as mine.

I can only hope that the new year brings better cheer. Maybe I'll stop feeling this way, or will find an activity to throw my heart into so it stops yearning for intimacy, love, and maybe even sex. If I don't get on top of this soon, it's going to be a very difficult in the weeks surrounding that day in mid Feb!

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Story: Decisions, decisions - A Story part two

Dave started to take stock of his situation. He was in a strange hut with no idea of where he was and someone, somehow, had given him tits and grown his hair until it was down his back. He looked down to find he was wearing a lovely summer dress that showed of his new curves. He knew from his earlier exploration that he wasn't wearing a bra, but slowly lifted his dress to find he had been dressed in a lovely, sexy pair of sheer white panties through which he could see his cock. "Someone has gone to a lot of trouble to make me look like this", he thought, "if only there was a mirror in here so I could check my hair!" "Whoa! Where did that thought come from? I've never thought like that before?"

Dave looked around to see if he could find any clues as to what was going on. The room was pretty bare but did have a small table to one side of the large bed on which a piece of paper lay. Dave picked up the paper, subconsciously pushing his hair behind his ear as he did so. he lay on his front kicking his feet in the air and twirling an errant strand of hair round his fingers as he read:

“Welcome to your new life. The whys and wherefores don’t matter so please don’t worry your pretty little head about them. There are other uses for your head that are much more pleasurable. I have purchased and altered you into the being I desire and from hereafter your previous life will fade into a memory. Please don’t fight your conditioning, it will just consume energy and you will lose the battle anyway.

“Through experimental techniques I have given you that body and have turned you into my servant, my slave. Unfortunately before we meet, you have one last step in your training to complete and to this end, you will shortly receive three visitors, who will take you and guide you through this training. One will show you sex as you had it in the past, one, sex as you will have it now whilst being trained and all three will show you sex as you will have in the future.
“Obey them as you would me and enjoy. We will meet soon to continue your training and commence your servitude."

“Servitude?” thought Dave, “I'm not a slave, I'm a free woman" he thought, not noticing that he'd started thinking of himself as a woman. "I need to get out of here, to run whilst I've got a chance. Yes, that's what I'll do" he thought. He jumped onto his knees on the bed and searched the room for something, anything that may help him in his predicament. There was nothing.

Just as Dave was about to head out the back door, he heard voices. He was torn. He could run, but if he did, he'd never find out who did this to him and now he was running out of time, the voices were getting louder. If he ran out that door, he'd be stuck like this but if he stayed he may be able to persuade whoever to turn him back. "Plus living in servitude is what I've been made for", an involuntary thought piped up, "it would be rude not to serve after they've gone to so much trouble.

Dave could hear the voices clearer now. There seemed to be two men and a woman. Who are they? What will this training involve? He realised he was excited and nervous about what was going to happen. He knew he should be fearful, but he wasn't. He made the decision to stay. He'd do there training, bide his time and then demand to leave, to be let go.

The owners of the voices entered the room and Dave gasped to see such beauty. All three were stunningly beautiful, in their early twenties and dressed as if they were going to a dinner party. The two men were broad chested and wore suits over what must have been perfect masculine bodies, all rippling muscles and six packs. The black man was slightly bigger than the white, but both were the sort of men that made women swoon. The lady was much smaller than her male companions, of a similar height to Dave, and looked as if she had some oriental heritage. She was dressed in a light pink dress, which showed off her curves and reached to mid-thigh. The most striking thing about the dress though was its lack of fabric. It covered her breasts and then was cut out, so only a slight strip of fabric passed down her body over her taut stomach before the dress widened out over her hips. It was obvious she hadn’t bothered wearing underwear.

If these people were on their way to lunch, Dave had to sudden realisation that he was their lunch and moved to the headboard of the bed in a sudden pang of fear. The girl looked up, noticing Daves movement and a look of concern passed over her face. “Don’t be scared Danielle. We’re not here to hurt you.” She moved over to the side of the bed whilst her companions stayed by the door.

“What’s going on? Who are you people? Why are you calling me Danielle?” Dave asked. The girl giggled. “That’s your name, silly. Mine is Amy”, she slid onto the bed, sitting next to Dave with one hand holding one of his as the other brushed Dave’s hair away from his face. “Your new owner has asked us to give you a lesson, a lesson that you are going to enjoy. Please don’t fight it. If you do, we may need to get rough and none of us will enjoy that.” She leant closer to Dave and whispered “you are beautiful”. Her hot breath on his cheek set Dave’s heart beating in excitement. “But my name is Dave and someone has done this to me.” He tried to pull his hand from hers, to put up a fight, but felt his resolve weakening. The attention she was giving him, coupled with excitement and anticipation at what he suspected was about to happen was taking all his fight away. He realised he loved her touch, her soft hands on his, her aroma was intoxicating. “Shhhh, Danielle, is this really the body of a Dave”. Her hand left his and moved up his body from his lap, slowly passing over his torso and resting cupping his breasts. She idly rubbed over his nipples through the dress. Dave knew he should fight, but couldn’t. Her touch was sending his extremely sensitive nipples into over drive and the sensations were almost more than Dave could cope with. He was breathing heavily, gasping for breath through the pleasure she was giving him through her touch. “But…” Dave got as far as saying before her mouth closed on his and she gave him the most passionate kiss he had ever received. Her tongue entwined his and he felt what little resistance he had left, die. He became lost in the moment, in her touch; his higher brain had switched off, leaving him to submit to the will of these strangers.

Dave felt Amy unbuttoning the summer dress he was wearing whilst she continued to kiss him. As the dress opened to reveal his large breasts, the cool air passed over his nipples which promptly stood straight up. Whilst Amy’s hands continued to undress him, he felt something moist pass over his right nipple, on the side opposite Amy. He realised his eyes were closed with pleasure and looked down to see the head of the white guy over his chest. As the man kissed his right nipple, the combination of warm damp mouth and cool air when his mouth left his breast was sending electricity through his body. He didn’t know he could get this excited. It felt like every nerve in his body was firing on all cylinders.

By this time, Amy had undone all the buttons on his dress and had found his cock bursting out of his panties. She pulled the panties to one side, and took him in her hand. Dave was already harder than he’d ever been. “This is sex as you’ve had it in the past,” and she smiled as she bent down and took him in her mouth. Dave knew it wouldn’t be long before he came. His body had been taken to the edge and he knew that falling over the precipice wouldn’t take long. Somehow, it didn’t happen though. Amy was sucking and licking his cock which he knew was bursting, but he couldn’t cum. Something, was somehow holding him back. He didn’t know if this was Amy’s undoubted skills or something else.

He looked up to see that both men had removed their clothes and had positioned themselves above him. Their lips were on his breasts, and their hips were positioned above his head. Their cocks close to his face. Dave couldn’t help himself. His body was afire and all he desired was sex. He took a cock in each hand, as he suspected, the black man was definitely bigger than the white. He leant up and kissed each cock in turn, then passed his tongue over their tips before taking them into his mouth, one at a time. He slowly lubricated each cock with his saliva, each time taking more and more into his mouth. The men started to help his by moving their hips towards him as he came forward to swallow them. Amy looked up and smiled as she said “Sex as you can do it in the present”. She then went back to pleasuring Dave’s cock.

For his part, Dave was totally lost in the moment. He’d long given up trying to process the electricity passing round his body and was concentrating on giving as much pleasure as he was receiving. He was lost on the moment. The only things that mattered to him at that time were the two cocks in front of him. Little did he know that each time he took a cock into his mouth, Dave was receding into his past and Danielle was becoming his future. His new body had been made for pleasure and it was fulfilling that purpose.

Unfortunately, taking these cocks into his mouth was becoming awkward in the prone position he was in. He wanted more control and better positioning. He awkwardly turned round, hardly taking his mouth from one cock or the other as he positioned himself onto his knees and the men lay in front of him on the bed. Amy smiled again as she knew Dave was ripe for the last step in his training. Once Dave was comfortable she removed his panties from his hips and placed her hand on his back, pushing his hips down to leave his ass more accessible. She positioned herself behind him and removed her own dress to reveal her own little erect surprise. She leant over Dave’s back and whispered “and this is sex as you’ll know it in the future”. Slowly she moved her hips forward, slowly penetrating Dave’s ass. She knew, from her own experience that this was a crucial time in Dave’s training. If she went too fast, caused too much pain, then he would be brought out of the zone and all the training would be ruined. If she goes slowly and steadily then Dave will become a willing slave, just like her. She couldn’t wait for the fun and games their owner would surely make them share in Dave’s new life.

Dave felt something against his ass and felt something pushing him forward. He grunted, not used to being invaded back there. Then one of the cocks banged against his cheek and his attention went back to savouring the flavour as he took it in his mouth and continued his ministrations. Slowly, Amy continued to put herself forward until her cock was completely buried in Dave’s ass. He had let out a couple of moans but had so far not objected to the new experience. She pulled out until only the head of her cock was buried in Dave’s ass before pushing in again. Her thrusts became quicker and Dave started to use the way they pushed his body forward to take each cock further and further into his mouth. At first, it felt strange to Dave to be penetrated in this way, but with each thrust his pleasure increased until his body was awash with pleasure from having Amy behind him as it was when Amy was sucking on his cock.

After a while, he felt Amy’s cock twitch inside him and felt the strange feeling of Amy coming inside him, her warm seed filling him up. She pulled out of him and moved to his side. The white man moved away from Dave’s head and Dave moaned slightly as the cock was withdrawn from his ability to pleasure it. He concentrated on pleasuring the large black cock, taking it into his mouth as far as he could. Each time trying to get that little bit further to taking it all in.

Then he felt a new intruder behind him. Instinctively, Dave moved his legs further apart, allowing the white man easier access. Steadily he felt his ass being penetrated again. A thought that this should be hurting came to mind, but was almost immediately dismissed as Amy positioned herself underneath in a 69 position. Dave now had one cock to deep throat and another to clean, a task to which he went with gusto. Amy was still semi-hard, and the taste of her juices was something that Dave had never tasted before. As Dave moved into a rhythm of taking each of the cocks in front of him, the white man joined in that rhythm as the group of them joined in the symphony of pleasure for which Dave’s body had been built. Dave still hadn’t cum and his seeming inability to ejaculate was starting to cause him pain. At first it was just a pressure within his cock, but as time went on and Amy continued sucking him, the pressure moved along his cock and into his body, where it became an itch that Dave was now finding it difficult to ignore.

Then the white man came inside him, filling him again. Dave was starting to loose coherent thought on anything except the pleasure coursing through his body. He didn’t really notice as the black man left his head and moved behind him. Taking Dave’s hips in his hands, he thrust himself forward in one swift movement. Dave was well lubricated with the others cum, but still wasn’t prepared for the feeling of being so full back there. The black man had hold of his hips and was forcing him forward and backward on his huge manhood. A low moan left Dave’s lips. His eyes rolled back in his head as the moan slowly built in volume as the black man pushed Dave backwards and forwards with greater force and speed.

Dave could feel the pressure inside him build up. He felt like a dam which was holding back too much pressure. Then, it happened, the black man came inside him and at that moment, Dave also started to cum into Amy’s willing mouth. With each twitch of his cock, his masculinity left his body and his mind became Danielle. All resistance to the life in ahead of him was fading away as his seed left his body. It no longer mattered to him who he was. All that mattered was that his body had been made for pleasure and he vowed to use it to its full potential.

Dave collapsed onto the bed, his body completely spent. He had no strength left and was hardly conscious as he saw Amy move from the bed fetch something from her purse and then fasten it to his limp dick. “That chastity device is a little present for you to ensure you are there for your owner’s pleasure and not your own. Now let’s get you into bed my dear, sweet Danielle.” Danielle let Amy roll her over under the covers of the bed as Amy tucked her in. She was so, so tired, yet so, so happy. That had been the most amazing experience of her life and she knew she couldn’t process what had happened so just lay there in post-coital bliss. As she drifted off to sleep with dreams of the future, she felt Amy tenderly kiss her on the cheek as she whispered “Until tomorrow and new experiences, sleep well.” Danielle smiled as sleep overcame her.

Friday, 13 December 2013

Life: Ye gads i'm fucked up!

So i've mentioned before how lonely I feel even though i'm around people all my waking hours. I crave the  companionship, the intimacy of having that special someone. I'm not sure g+ is helping me. Every moment i'm looking at photos of beautiful people, of sex in all its forms is reminding me of that loneliness. Messages from people expressing their love for their partner (or even just saying they have a partner) is like a knife in my heart. They have something i'll probably never have. I love that they can share that with the world. I'm so happy they've found someone I could cry. Scrap that, I am crying!
But my special someone isnt going to drop in my lap. I have to get out there and meet people. Making friends will lead to positive things. I know that, but...
I had an ex colleague send me an email the other day so I fb invited him this morn and we chatted for 20 mins before I got pulled away. In turn, he sent a bunch of invites to people I know from work. 2 sent me an invite that are sitting in my fb. Why cant I accept? Why do I so fear chatting to someone outside the office that sits 10 feet away that I can happily chat to in the office? Why do I so want to hide in my cocoon to avoid something I know I need. It's crazy and fucked up!
I need to fight this, I need to stay on g+ with the friends I wish I could meet in real life. They seem to understand some of what i'm going thru. I'm sure they could support me. The real life friends are also trying to support me. They are saying 'be my friend', share with us. I just need to open this shell i've built around myself for so long!
Sorry for the rant. Think i've calmed down a bit now. Mixing reality and fantasy for a sec, that colleague whose desk is 10 feet from mine has a russian wife. Wonder if she has a single friend? there's something about that accent :)
Ps i've had a third fb request since I started typing!

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Life: Decisions that rule my life

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I seem to be trapped without freedom to explore who I am. Strange thing is that it's the trap that keeps me sane. So i've been considering the 3 decisions i've made in my life that brought me to the trap. Note, the trap isn't all bad, in fact it has many, many advantages and is probably the reason i'm alive or have not committed a crime.
So decision 1: don't drink.
My childhood wasn't great. I wasn't loved and my fathers idea of raising a child was control through applied aggression. Most of the time, you could avoid him by making sure you were either working (on chores or homework) or being elsewhere so your prescence didn't remind him of what a failure you were. Most of the rest he just ignored you.
The one time you couldn't avoid him was after he'd had a drink. This was worse than being ignored, he tried to be nice. There was no getting away from him in this mood, he'd follow and try to 'understand' you.
One conversation springs to mind:
Him: why do you help others with their homework/revision?
Me: because to help them, I have to know it myself. Their questions find the gaps in my knowledge.
If my child said that to me (not that I have one), i'd be so proud, but the response was:
Him: That's stupid. Their grades go up whilst yours can only go down. Revise on your own. The only way in life is to beat others, use them and throw them away.
Yup, he wasn't very nice!
I made two decisions that day. I'd never drink, it changes your personality, makes you do things you wouldn't normally do. Plus I fear that his personality is inside me as well and I don't ever want to know it is. So I dont let my control go, whether thru drink or anything else. If he's there, he's buried and he aint coming out.
The second decision that day was to be honest, caring and a all-round nice guy. I go out of my way to help those I care about. The ladies may like bad boys but I can't go there.
Decision 2: go to local uni
This seems condradictory to 1, but worse than my father is a fear of being out there alone. We'd recently moved to a new town and after first moving there I spent 3 months in a new college without saying a word to anyone outside class. Social isolation is horrible, been there and done it. Unfortunately, this meant that whilst my 18-21 yr old peers were out clubbing or having fun and living life, I was either working or in my room. Not good for my social development but I didn't realise the damage until after i'd taken decision 3
Decision 3: houseshare
So after uni, I found a job in london, and moved into a studio apartment, a small one room thing. Not knowing anyone in london I was on my own. Great! But I can't go out. I have no peers, and no confidence to go out on my own. So i'm back in isolation
Then an old school mate gets in touch. He's in london. We meet a few times and decide to rent a flat together. Turned out he couldn't afford the rent, smokes like a trooper with all doors closed and steals from the cupboards! The flat stank! I don't mind if someone smokes but I'd like to be able to see the other end of the room and not smell myself!
So after a year of that I moved in with a platonic female friend. This was in the days before the internet. If I was making the decision today after seeing that there are others like myself out there that I could meet, maybe it'd be different. She'd had a hard life and we'd speny many hours supporting each other, although she doesn't know about my dressing. 17 years later i'm still sharing with her. A colleague once described our relationship as like a marriage without the fun bits. Pretty accurate.
I've supported her with her Depression. Picked up the ball when she couldn't carry it for years after a guy destroyed her and helped her bring up her daughter. Her company has saved me from destroying myself as would have happened if i'd moved into another flat on my own. She's like my big sis, we are a family.
But I still feel alone and am now feeling trapped as I dont want to hurt her. She's vulnerable, the wounds from that guys betrayal may never heal and I will not do anything to hurt her or her daughter.
Thank-you for reading this (if anyone actually does). I know it was long. If you've got this far, I owe you a nice big kiss.

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Life / Pics: Stop! Police!

So I've been chatting to a certain gentleman on Google. Just exchanging a few emails and dreams, as he's thousands of miles away. At first he was very blokey, sending me pictures of his cock (it looks pretty nice, I must say), so I'm starting to train him to feed the fantasy. A picture of a cock is not a turn on to me, but feed a story or picture around it of where we are and what we're doing and that picture takes on a whole new life.

I don't know what he said, or why I'm feeling this way, but my mind is changing. If you'd asked me a week ago if I'd consider sucking a guy off, i would have said no. Now, I'm not so sure. If he treated me nice, wasn't aggressive and treated me like a lady should be treated, I could now see myself submitting. Dunno if I've been reading too many blogs or what :)

Anyway, I set him a challenge last night to do some thinking and to tell me how he'd like me to dress if he had complete control of me and my wardrobe. I need more clothes, so was hoping for inspiration. I awoke this morning, hoping to find a nice long email containing lots of situations and how he'd like me dressed for them. Unfortunately, he didn't come back with many suggestions, but he did say he'd like to see me as a member of the police. So my friend, do any of these outfits float your boat, so to speak :)

If anyone else would like to inspire me, or have any suggestions to help me on the path to sissyhood, please feel free to comment or mail.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Story: Decisions, decisions - A story

I promised a story based on the Decisions caption I did the other day. Here's the start. Any feedback would be gratefully received.

Dave banged on the back door of the truck but, no matter how hard he banged or how loud he screamed there was either no-one out there or they were ignoring him. He slumped down against the cab wall in despair. Since he'd been thrown in here a few hours ago, he'd had no contact of any kind. He guessed he'd been kidnapped, but he couldn’t think who by or why. He thought back through the last month. What had he done to cause this? Nothing! Sure, he'd made that stupid female graduate cry the other day, but it wasn't his fault she couldn't accept criticism. How hard can it be to remember the quadratic polynomial in that formula she should have been using? Then there was that girl on call of duty a couple of weeks ago. She’d burst into tears down his headset when he'd blamed her for the loss. Bloody women cry at any excuse! He had to admit though, the new graduate was very easy on the eye. Not that he had time for a relationship. He was on his way up. His plan is to create the next big thing, take it to IPO and then retire off the proceeds. Maybe he'll get himself a trophy wife to clean his house and his cock. Now if only he could figure out why he was in this truck. He was starting to worry.

Suddenly there was a hissing noise from somewhere. "What is that?" he wondered, "are they letting the tyres down?". It was too late before Dave realised they were pumping gas into the back of the van. He tried holding his breath but the gas was already in his lungs. The world went dark as he slipped into unconsciousness.

Dave tried to open his eyes, but the light was so bright, the world was a blur. He knew he was lying down and above him was a lady in a surgical mask, wearing glasses. He couldn’t feel anything and was fighting to focus on anything. After a few seconds the darkness took him again.

Dave could hear voices. One of them sounded angry. He opened his eyes to see the doctor talking to a woman in a suit who said "I want it kept. I want sissy to know, every day where she came from. This is a punishment, not a reward." "Yes mistress" was the doctor’s reply. Dave tried to talk but all that came out was a moan. He was still under the influence of whatever drug he'd been given. The doctor heard the noise and stepped over to his bedside and adjusted a drip. With questions raging through him, where was he? what was happening?, Dave managed to say "wha..." before consciousness left him.

The first thing Dave heard was the birds outside. He could tell, even without opening his eyes that he wasn’t in the hospital any more. There was a slight breeze blowing through the room, it was morning and nicely cool but it was going to be a warm day. He stretched his arms above his head, and stretched in that calm feeling between being asleep and being awake. He frowned, he didn’t feel right. There seemed to be a weight on his chest and his hair seemed to be lying over his pillow when it was normally kept short. How long had he been out?

With increasing dread, Dave opened his eyes to find himself lying on a large bed in a small, wooden building or shack that only had the one room. The window was open letting in the fresh air and sound of bird song. The first thing he noticed was that he had breasts "what the fuck is going on?" he said out loud in shock, then gasped as it wasn't his voice either! He sounded like a girl and his long hair. "What happened to me?" he put his hands on his chest to see if they were real. They were, he could feel his hands touching himself. What he wasn't prepared for though was the feelings of pleasure he received when he touched himself. Those tits were so sensitive! A flash of panic spread through him and he quickly put his hands between his legs. "Thank god that's still there" he thought to himself.

To be continued ... 

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Life: Slight delay and more for santa

Yesterday I said that I would post a story based on the caption about Sissy Daves decision. Unfortunately I failed to do that.
The story is in progress and Dave is currently undergoing his transformation. Unfortunately, I was so horny the night before that I got no sleep. After work and writing my list to Santa yesterday I was so tired I couldn't continue the story. Fingers crossed i'll get the start posted tonight.
Talking of santa's list I forgot a couple of things:
- Butt plug. Never had one of these but i'm curious as to whether they are pleasurable to wear or not. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to 'prepare' myself for, so if it's not pleasurable it'll probably only get worn once.
- Chastity cage. Well it's not getting used, so what's the point of having it? It rises up and ruins the line of my clothes and dribbles when i'm excited causing dampness which can be hard to hide if i've been really excited. Could a cage help with this? I've tried a diy job but it was uncomfortable and didn't work. The downside is that they're expensive and I dont know if i'd still have an awkward shape down there that would show through.
Any thought, suggestions, comments?

Life: Sissy's list for Santa

I've been inspired by Sissy Kaaren to create a Christmas list for Santa. Note, I'll say upfront that this is a wish list to give myself ideas and is not, in any way, a plea for donations. If anyone has any advice or suggestions, please fire away.

So first on the wish list has to be a magic wand, book, cock, whatever. It would be great for someone to wave a magic item over me and turn me from this middle aged, shy, social awkward wannabe into a young, sexy nymph, so I can find out all about this sex thing I've heard about.

But more realistically, I need clothes. I don't get to dress often but I'd like to feel more feminine when I do. So first on the list is a corset. Something to hold in this extra I have round the middle. Maybe something like

I also need panties - can never have enough panties....and stockings. Maybe some of those panties that are a 'webbing' that holds up a small area of fabric around the bum and front, whatever, they're called. Personally, I'm not into tights, they restrict access to the goodies. :)

I'd also like an apron or two. So sexy.

Now, outfits. I have a sexy schoolgirl outfit, but anything else is needed. Maybe a maids outfit. I'd love to be able to pull off the business woman or teacher look with a suit, silk blouse and shortish skirt. I'm not sure I have the figure for a dress, but maybe.

What else?
Well, to pull off any femme look, I need makeup and a wig. I'm naturally a sort of dirty blond colour, so may go for a brunette wig of shoulder length hair, a bit like my avatar pic.

How could I forget shoes? It'd have to be some sort of sandal with a heel. i want something femme and light.But not too big a heel until I've learnt how to walk in them.

Have I forgotten anything? Do you have any advice from your experiences in these areas.

That should keep Santa busy. If he brings me all that, he can cum down my chimney as much as he wants

Love Coleen

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Caption: Decisions, decisions

Dave couldn't understand what had happened. He'd been kidnapped off the street and told he'd be sold into sissy slavery. They'd then drugged him and he fell asleep. When he woke he was dressed in a light summer dress, his hair was long and he had breasts! He found himself in a shack somewhere where a note read "We've changed your body, now it's time for you to repay our generosity". Then he heard voices, male voices. He wanted to run, but something told him that he was exactly where he wanted to be. Dave knew he had to made a decision immediately. What was he to do?

So, dear reader, do you have any suggestions for Dave?

Caption: On the way to a party

I really need to be doing this more often! For my subscribers, I offer my heartfelt apologies. I will try to do better.

Anyway, here's my next caption

Dave didn't know how this had happened. Six months ago he met an amazing woman in a club took her home. She had immediately realised what and who he really was and had trained him in how to be true to himself. Now he is all dressed up and on his way to his Mistresses party where he will be the entertainment. He couldn't wait.