Friday, 13 December 2013

Life: Ye gads i'm fucked up!

So i've mentioned before how lonely I feel even though i'm around people all my waking hours. I crave the  companionship, the intimacy of having that special someone. I'm not sure g+ is helping me. Every moment i'm looking at photos of beautiful people, of sex in all its forms is reminding me of that loneliness. Messages from people expressing their love for their partner (or even just saying they have a partner) is like a knife in my heart. They have something i'll probably never have. I love that they can share that with the world. I'm so happy they've found someone I could cry. Scrap that, I am crying!
But my special someone isnt going to drop in my lap. I have to get out there and meet people. Making friends will lead to positive things. I know that, but...
I had an ex colleague send me an email the other day so I fb invited him this morn and we chatted for 20 mins before I got pulled away. In turn, he sent a bunch of invites to people I know from work. 2 sent me an invite that are sitting in my fb. Why cant I accept? Why do I so fear chatting to someone outside the office that sits 10 feet away that I can happily chat to in the office? Why do I so want to hide in my cocoon to avoid something I know I need. It's crazy and fucked up!
I need to fight this, I need to stay on g+ with the friends I wish I could meet in real life. They seem to understand some of what i'm going thru. I'm sure they could support me. The real life friends are also trying to support me. They are saying 'be my friend', share with us. I just need to open this shell i've built around myself for so long!
Sorry for the rant. Think i've calmed down a bit now. Mixing reality and fantasy for a sec, that colleague whose desk is 10 feet from mine has a russian wife. Wonder if she has a single friend? there's something about that accent :)
Ps i've had a third fb request since I started typing!

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