So I blogged a few days ago about how I'd had a good day and had spoken to my flatmate about getting some interests in order to be a happier person. I thought she was happy for me and she was even talking about getting out more herself.
Unfortunately, I don't think she is happy about that. She seems to equate me having interests as one step closer to me moving out and leaving her high-and-dry. She sees us as a 'family' for the long term and fears that if i become happier that i'll leave the 'family'.
Yesterday seemed full of tensions, like there was an atmosphere. Nothing was said directly, but there were a few comments throughout the day, which could be seen as veiled digs. At one point she declared she was going away for a holiday with her daughter, but after I told her to go for it, she later said I'd be included as well. She's even decided to go back to work a week earlier than planned, saying she needs the money and she's bored at home. Those reasons are perfectly valid but there were also comments about "everyone's in the house" as if she doesn't want to be here when I am.
Now she knows about my social phobia and she knows about the struggles I've had with wanting to meet someone. Christ knows, I was in tears about it as recently as a few weeks ago. Yet despite this she seemed to be rubbing my nose in it when she announced she's had an email 'out of the blue' from someone she spent an evening with a number years ago. She asked if she should meet up with him. I told her to get out there and have a drink with him. She said "No, I'm not dating the guy. I just want to fuck him.", seeming to go directly for my biggest insecurity. I told her to go for that as well. After all, I'm not her partner, just her flatmate and have no right to stop her doing whatever she wants. All I want, as her friend, is for her to be happy.
A little while later, she brought him up again and seemed to make a great point in saying "Dating is easy. You just go". For all her claims, this sounded like she didn't understand social phobia after all, in the same way that a non drinker can't understand why an alcoholic can't just stop (bad analogy but hopefully one that more readers can understand as it's been addressed in a number of films)
Now, I've been running on 3 or 4 hours sleep a night for weeks. I'm tired and seem to fight depressive thoughts every day. It's entirely possible I've reacted badly to what she's said for those reasons, so I'd be grateful for some second opinions.
Does it sound like she's trying to deliberately hurt me without saying it directly, or am I just being over-sensitive?
Today could be 'interesting' if she really is trying to hurt. We are going to the Winter Wonderland at a local (but world famous) gardens together with her daughter as a New Years Event type thing. I'll have to see if any comments come my way.