Monday, 30 December 2013

Life: I need some second opinions

So I blogged a few days ago about how I'd had a good day and had spoken to my flatmate about getting some interests in order to be a happier person. I thought she was happy for me and she was even talking about getting out more herself.

Unfortunately, I don't think she is happy about that. She seems to equate me having interests as one step closer to me moving out and leaving her high-and-dry. She sees us as a 'family' for the long term and fears that if i become happier that i'll leave the 'family'.

Yesterday seemed full of tensions, like there was an atmosphere. Nothing was said directly, but there were a few comments throughout the day, which could be seen as veiled digs. At one point she declared she was going away for a holiday with her daughter, but after I told her to go for it, she later said I'd be included as well. She's even decided to go back to work a week earlier than planned, saying she needs the money and she's bored at home. Those reasons are perfectly valid but there were also comments about "everyone's in the house" as if she doesn't want to be here when I am.

Now she knows about my social phobia and she knows about the struggles I've had with wanting to meet someone. Christ knows, I was in tears about it as recently as a few weeks ago. Yet despite this she seemed to be rubbing my nose in it when she announced she's had an email 'out of the blue' from someone she spent an evening with a number years ago. She asked if she should meet up with him. I told her to get out there and have a drink with him. She said "No, I'm not dating the guy. I just want to fuck him.", seeming to go directly for my biggest insecurity. I told her to go for that as well. After all, I'm not her partner, just her flatmate and have no right to stop her doing whatever she wants. All I want, as her friend, is for her to be happy.

A little while later, she brought him up again and seemed to make a great point in saying "Dating is easy. You just go". For all her claims, this sounded like she didn't understand social phobia after all, in the same way that a non drinker can't understand why an alcoholic can't just stop (bad analogy but hopefully one that more readers can understand as it's been addressed in a number of films)

Now, I've been running on 3 or 4 hours sleep a night for weeks. I'm tired and seem to fight depressive thoughts every day. It's entirely possible I've reacted badly to what she's said for those reasons, so I'd be grateful for some second opinions.

Does it sound like she's trying to deliberately hurt me without saying it directly, or am I just being over-sensitive?

Today could be 'interesting' if she really is trying to hurt. We are going to the Winter Wonderland at a local (but world famous) gardens together with her daughter as a New Years Event type thing. I'll have to see if any comments come my way.


  1. Sweet Coleen it sounds to me like she's a very manipulative person and is playing on your insecurities to keep you in the status quo whether you like it or not!
    Families are funny, they can be supportive or they can be toxic! My own family was toxic, I had an abusive alcoholic father who wished me dead on more than one occasion. I had a cold, distant mother who gave everything she had to my brother leaving nothing for me, My brother died young pf leukemia, but our relationship was based on him using me as a punching bag.I tell you this because you should not take a "family" relationship as always being a good thing!
    I just want you to know that you don't owe anyone anything!
    Coleen I just want you to be happy and I hate to think of you being used by someone who might not have YOUR best interests at heart!
    No matter what you decide sweet Coleen, I wish you a wondrous and Happy New Year, full of love and joy!
    Kisses and hugs

  2. Kaaren,
    Thank you so much for your reply.
    Unfortunately, I know all about toxic families myself. My father beat every last ounce of self-esteem from me in my childhood and twenty years after leaving home, I'm still struggling to find any.

    I'm aware that my flatmate can be manipulative, but I believe it's not done out of a deliberate desire to be mean, but from her own fears, as the stability I've helped provide for both her and her daughter were something she never had as a child and never expected in life. I think the hardest part of the next year is going to be to manage both my own insecurities whilst not letting hers drag me back.

    Yesterday was a better day than the day before, so I'm hoping it was just a blip. I'm hopeful that 2014 will be marked in the future as the year that changed things for the better.

    I'm sure they'll be more ups and downs recorded in my blog, so I'll probably frustrate the hell out of you at times as you're screaming "wake up!" or "stop moaning" at your screen. :) I cannot tell you how much I appreciate everyones feedback to my posts. I don't have any RL friends I can share this stuff with, so having a sounding board and getting feedback and different observations, is really, really helping.

    Kissses and hugs back to you Kaaren, Thanks once again.

  3. Coleen, Just take everything with a grain of salt. It matters what you feel inside and not what you experience from someone else. Your worth comes from you.... and I love that you express yourself so well here.....

    warm hugs

  4. Ty Sharon,
    Without wanting to brag, I know that i'm a good person just trying to get thru this thing called life. I've a heart of gold who is probably to generous with, well everythinng, for his own good.

    Sometimes I wish life would just throw me a bonus for a change. Still you know what they say " good girls go to heaven ... Bad girls go everywhere" :)

    As for my writing, thanks for the compliment. Hated English at school and had to do the exam twice to get an acceptable grade, so it's great to know that others are able to read my random warblings.

    Have a great evening,
    C xxxxx