Saturday, 22 February 2014

Life: Damn those emotions

On a downer again:

How do we learn to put ourselves before others? Is it something we learn or is it an innate ability?

I've been asking myself this a lot these past few days.

If I suffer from a character flaw, it's that i'm too generous with my time, my support and my life. I have spent the past 16 years helping to bring up a child that I am not biologically related to. I have done this to the best of my ability to give that child the best start in life. I did this to help my best friend and flatmate and I have no regrets at all. I have been the only permant 'father figure' in the childs life and i'm proud of that.

On Friday, my flatmate asked me to do it all over again. She wants a sibling for her daughter. Another child that wont be mine, but which I will bring up as if it was.

At 41, do I really want to bring up another mans child for the next 18 years? Not really is the answer. But if a friend asks for my help do I really have the right to deny her happiness? Withdrawing my support will mean she cannot achieve something she wants to do for her and her daughter.

I will happily make that sacrifice for someone else to achieve their dreams but am left wondering about my own dreams and desires.

I would so love to have a relationship of my own but how much time would I have to dedicate to a partner whilst helping my flatmate bring up another child? Getting involved with someone would be unfair to my partner if I couldn't dedicate my life to her as a good partner should.

But as i'm so damaged, am I being unfair to even consider a relationship anyway? If I am, and a relationship is out of my reach I might as well help my flatmate so something positive may come out of my life. At my age, i'll never have a family of my own anyway. Many years ago, I knew that wasn't going to happen. Then my flatmate had her kid and it sort of did happen.

Just yesterday (I think) a very, very close g+ friend said, when talking about happiness, something along the lines of "don't forget yourself". I know that is very good advice. I just haven't thought of myself for so long I don't know what my own happiness would be like and I gave up on dreaming after being scared shi*less by a news program at aged 8 or so.

I have sooo many emotions raging around at the moment that i've spent a lot of today trying not to cry. I dont know what to do for the best.

Why does it seem I have to make a choice between the happiness of my closest friend and that of my own? No matter how infinitesimal the chance of my own happiness may be.

Sometimes you just need a hug from someone physical but even that is denied me. I don't know what I did in a previous life to deserve this much pain and confusion but it must have been a fething doozy!

I hope this is just a lot of tiredness talking today. I hope I can sleep tonight and things are clearer, better and happier tomorrow.

2 comments:

  1. That is a tough one. Of course, there's no right or wrong answer. Looking at the scale of romance from married to priests and nuns, each can be happy, to know you're purpose is a gift that not everyone receives. Personally, just reading this post and your description, I dont see any reason you wouldnt find romance, if you so desire. It happened to me at age 39. I dont think you should commit to assist in this case, even if it means ending a valued friendship, but theres no right or wrong answer. Maybe this is a sign that its time to move on with your life and try something new.

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