On a downer again:
How do we learn to put ourselves before others? Is it something we learn or is it an innate ability?
I've been asking myself this a lot these past few days.
If I suffer from a character flaw, it's that i'm too generous with my time, my support and my life. I have spent the past 16 years helping to bring up a child that I am not biologically related to. I have done this to the best of my ability to give that child the best start in life. I did this to help my best friend and flatmate and I have no regrets at all. I have been the only permant 'father figure' in the childs life and i'm proud of that.
On Friday, my flatmate asked me to do it all over again. She wants a sibling for her daughter. Another child that wont be mine, but which I will bring up as if it was.
At 41, do I really want to bring up another mans child for the next 18 years? Not really is the answer. But if a friend asks for my help do I really have the right to deny her happiness? Withdrawing my support will mean she cannot achieve something she wants to do for her and her daughter.
I will happily make that sacrifice for someone else to achieve their dreams but am left wondering about my own dreams and desires.
I would so love to have a relationship of my own but how much time would I have to dedicate to a partner whilst helping my flatmate bring up another child? Getting involved with someone would be unfair to my partner if I couldn't dedicate my life to her as a good partner should.
But as i'm so damaged, am I being unfair to even consider a relationship anyway? If I am, and a relationship is out of my reach I might as well help my flatmate so something positive may come out of my life. At my age, i'll never have a family of my own anyway. Many years ago, I knew that wasn't going to happen. Then my flatmate had her kid and it sort of did happen.
Just yesterday (I think) a very, very close g+ friend said, when talking about happiness, something along the lines of "don't forget yourself". I know that is very good advice. I just haven't thought of myself for so long I don't know what my own happiness would be like and I gave up on dreaming after being scared shi*less by a news program at aged 8 or so.
I have sooo many emotions raging around at the moment that i've spent a lot of today trying not to cry. I dont know what to do for the best.
Why does it seem I have to make a choice between the happiness of my closest friend and that of my own? No matter how infinitesimal the chance of my own happiness may be.
Sometimes you just need a hug from someone physical but even that is denied me. I don't know what I did in a previous life to deserve this much pain and confusion but it must have been a fething doozy!
I hope this is just a lot of tiredness talking today. I hope I can sleep tonight and things are clearer, better and happier tomorrow.