Friday, 3 January 2014

Life: 2014 and a change I didn't think of 4 days ago.

In the general scheme of things, I'm a laid back guy, I'll give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I don't generally say boo to a goose. Occasionally though, something will wind me up. Maybe it'll be repeated bad service from a company that can't seem to manage the simple things like turning up on time. It will take a good while for my anger to rise, but when it does, I have the ability to write letters containing such venom it's scary. These letters are polite and I don't resort to swearing but the target is in no doubt about what I think and how angry they have made me.

It's been suggested that this anger comes from the way I feel about my Dad and the scars that my upbringing have given me. It's also been said that I'll never be able to move on with my life and have a successful relationship until I've put it that pain behind me. For 18 years, I tried to bury that pain. That didn't make me happy. For the previous 2 years, it has been coming out in other ways and adversely affecting those around me.

In the spirit of 2014 and the changes I hope to make this year, it's time to take a new approach. I have all but ignored my family for about 15 years, but I've still been tied to them and it's time to break those ties. I spent most of yesterday writing a letter to my father explaining how much pain he has caused me and that I want nothing to do with my family again. I doubt he'll see it from my perspective, but that's not really my problem.

I have decided to wash my hands of them and start afresh without all the pain they've caused. I don't want any form of contact: no Christmas cards, no phone calls, nothing.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about the pros and cons of this decision:
Pros
- Hopefully I can put the pain behind me and move on without the negativity I feel for them holding me back
- No more cards or letters that just make me angry

Cons
- I'll probably get written out of any inheritance (if there is any)

This is probably something I should have done years ago. After taking this decision and writing the letter I guess I should feel sad or go into mourning for a family I no longer have, but I don't.  I don't feel anything about them at all except anger. I have few happy memories of my upbringing and the way I was treated would probably be classes as abuse nowadays (without wanting to take anything away from those that suffer and have suffered terribly at the hands of their family).

Unfortunately, I was hoping I'd now feel free or as if I'd been released from something. I'm not sure I feel that either. Maybe that will come with time as I make other positive changes.

Today is the first day without a biological family and it's going to be a good one.

3 comments:

  1. Sorry I haven't been by in a few days Coleen, but I just want to offer you my love and support! Biology doesn't make a family....Love makes a family!
    I send you my love, think of me as family if you want I could be that crazy sissy nympho sister you've always wanted!!
    All my best wishes for you Sweet Coleen
    Kaaren

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