In the general scheme of things, I'm a laid back guy, I'll give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I don't generally say boo to a goose. Occasionally though, something will wind me up. Maybe it'll be repeated bad service from a company that can't seem to manage the simple things like turning up on time. It will take a good while for my anger to rise, but when it does, I have the ability to write letters containing such venom it's scary. These letters are polite and I don't resort to swearing but the target is in no doubt about what I think and how angry they have made me.
It's been suggested that this anger comes from the way I feel about my Dad and the scars that my upbringing have given me. It's also been said that I'll never be able to move on with my life and have a successful relationship until I've put it that pain behind me. For 18 years, I tried to bury that pain. That didn't make me happy. For the previous 2 years, it has been coming out in other ways and adversely affecting those around me.
In the spirit of 2014 and the changes I hope to make this year, it's time to take a new approach. I have all but ignored my family for about 15 years, but I've still been tied to them and it's time to break those ties. I spent most of yesterday writing a letter to my father explaining how much pain he has caused me and that I want nothing to do with my family again. I doubt he'll see it from my perspective, but that's not really my problem.
I have decided to wash my hands of them and start afresh without all the pain they've caused. I don't want any form of contact: no Christmas cards, no phone calls, nothing.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the pros and cons of this decision:
Pros
- Hopefully I can put the pain behind me and move on without the negativity I feel for them holding me back
- No more cards or letters that just make me angry
Cons
- I'll probably get written out of any inheritance (if there is any)
This is probably something I should have done years ago. After taking this decision and writing the letter I guess I should feel sad or go into mourning for a family I no longer have, but I don't. I don't feel anything about them at all except anger. I have few happy memories of my upbringing and the way I was treated would probably be classes as abuse nowadays (without wanting to take anything away from those that suffer and have suffered terribly at the hands of their family).
Unfortunately, I was hoping I'd now feel free or as if I'd been released from something. I'm not sure I feel that either. Maybe that will come with time as I make other positive changes.
Today is the first day without a biological family and it's going to be a good one.
Friday, 3 January 2014
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
Life: Social Phobia (not a moan, but a description for anyone interested)
I recently had a response from one of my blogs in which the reader said they didn't know too much about Social Phobia. So I thought it was about time I tried to explain how it holds me back. This isn't one of my 'woe is me' posts (at least I hope it doesn't come across like that). I'm in an OK mood and don't want to be miserable.
Like most things psychological, there are varying degrees of Social Phobia and it affects each suffer is different ways. It's difficult to describe any illness like this to a non-sufferer as, with all the best intentions, it's difficult for them to get their head round it.
The best description I can give is through an analogy that hopefully everyone can relate to:
It's a cold, wet, raining night, perhaps just a couple of degrees off freezing and you're waiting at a bus stop. After a while you start to shiver. Then your teeth start chattering. The wind is blowing straight through your coat and the rain is soaking you, despite the meagre protection of the bus shelter. The bus still hasn't arrived and the cold really starts to get to you. You really start to shiver. They seem to start deep inside your chest and then it feels like the shake is spreading out, rippling through your body from the inside out, causing you to visibly shake. Sort of like a personal earthquake with it's epicentre in your core. You can even feel your shakes rocking the bus shelter as they're so extreme. The chattering becomes so severe, it starts to sound like you've got a stammer.
If I'm put in a social situation or meet someone new, my body seems to go from normal, to that extreme mode of visibly shaking and stammering in seconds. If I have time to prepare for meeting someone new, then I can put the situation in the 'work box' in my head. By removing any social aspects from the encounter in my head, I can keep the symptoms at bay.
If the encounter comes as a surprise, or it's truly a social thing, or if I'm talking to someone I'm attracted to, then I'm screwed, even at work! I've had complete meltdowns at work if something has caught me without any prep time. The worst was a meeting with the bosses boss and an auditor that I knew nothing about till I was called in to describe my job. I had to move away from the table as I was making it shake so hard the auditor, on the other side of the desk, couldn't write any notes! And the the auditor in that case was a 50 yr old bloke to whom I had no attraction at all. Put me in front of a beautiful woman and I'm a quivering wreck in seconds.
Unfortunately, there is no cure. A course of therapy taught me that the only way to beat it is to be social.
Hopefully in 2014 I'll manage to do that. I'm certainly feeling like I can enact change. Better late than never I guess.
Monday, 30 December 2013
Life: I need some second opinions
So I blogged a few days ago about how I'd had a good day and had spoken to my flatmate about getting some interests in order to be a happier person. I thought she was happy for me and she was even talking about getting out more herself.
Unfortunately, I don't think she is happy about that. She seems to equate me having interests as one step closer to me moving out and leaving her high-and-dry. She sees us as a 'family' for the long term and fears that if i become happier that i'll leave the 'family'.
Yesterday seemed full of tensions, like there was an atmosphere. Nothing was said directly, but there were a few comments throughout the day, which could be seen as veiled digs. At one point she declared she was going away for a holiday with her daughter, but after I told her to go for it, she later said I'd be included as well. She's even decided to go back to work a week earlier than planned, saying she needs the money and she's bored at home. Those reasons are perfectly valid but there were also comments about "everyone's in the house" as if she doesn't want to be here when I am.
Now she knows about my social phobia and she knows about the struggles I've had with wanting to meet someone. Christ knows, I was in tears about it as recently as a few weeks ago. Yet despite this she seemed to be rubbing my nose in it when she announced she's had an email 'out of the blue' from someone she spent an evening with a number years ago. She asked if she should meet up with him. I told her to get out there and have a drink with him. She said "No, I'm not dating the guy. I just want to fuck him.", seeming to go directly for my biggest insecurity. I told her to go for that as well. After all, I'm not her partner, just her flatmate and have no right to stop her doing whatever she wants. All I want, as her friend, is for her to be happy.
A little while later, she brought him up again and seemed to make a great point in saying "Dating is easy. You just go". For all her claims, this sounded like she didn't understand social phobia after all, in the same way that a non drinker can't understand why an alcoholic can't just stop (bad analogy but hopefully one that more readers can understand as it's been addressed in a number of films)
Now, I've been running on 3 or 4 hours sleep a night for weeks. I'm tired and seem to fight depressive thoughts every day. It's entirely possible I've reacted badly to what she's said for those reasons, so I'd be grateful for some second opinions.
Does it sound like she's trying to deliberately hurt me without saying it directly, or am I just being over-sensitive?
Today could be 'interesting' if she really is trying to hurt. We are going to the Winter Wonderland at a local (but world famous) gardens together with her daughter as a New Years Event type thing. I'll have to see if any comments come my way.
Unfortunately, I don't think she is happy about that. She seems to equate me having interests as one step closer to me moving out and leaving her high-and-dry. She sees us as a 'family' for the long term and fears that if i become happier that i'll leave the 'family'.
Yesterday seemed full of tensions, like there was an atmosphere. Nothing was said directly, but there were a few comments throughout the day, which could be seen as veiled digs. At one point she declared she was going away for a holiday with her daughter, but after I told her to go for it, she later said I'd be included as well. She's even decided to go back to work a week earlier than planned, saying she needs the money and she's bored at home. Those reasons are perfectly valid but there were also comments about "everyone's in the house" as if she doesn't want to be here when I am.
Now she knows about my social phobia and she knows about the struggles I've had with wanting to meet someone. Christ knows, I was in tears about it as recently as a few weeks ago. Yet despite this she seemed to be rubbing my nose in it when she announced she's had an email 'out of the blue' from someone she spent an evening with a number years ago. She asked if she should meet up with him. I told her to get out there and have a drink with him. She said "No, I'm not dating the guy. I just want to fuck him.", seeming to go directly for my biggest insecurity. I told her to go for that as well. After all, I'm not her partner, just her flatmate and have no right to stop her doing whatever she wants. All I want, as her friend, is for her to be happy.
A little while later, she brought him up again and seemed to make a great point in saying "Dating is easy. You just go". For all her claims, this sounded like she didn't understand social phobia after all, in the same way that a non drinker can't understand why an alcoholic can't just stop (bad analogy but hopefully one that more readers can understand as it's been addressed in a number of films)
Now, I've been running on 3 or 4 hours sleep a night for weeks. I'm tired and seem to fight depressive thoughts every day. It's entirely possible I've reacted badly to what she's said for those reasons, so I'd be grateful for some second opinions.
Does it sound like she's trying to deliberately hurt me without saying it directly, or am I just being over-sensitive?
Today could be 'interesting' if she really is trying to hurt. We are going to the Winter Wonderland at a local (but world famous) gardens together with her daughter as a New Years Event type thing. I'll have to see if any comments come my way.
Sunday, 29 December 2013
Life: Holy Crap. The lyrics of my life
As you know, I'm currently trying to fight my way out a funk that's lasted a very long time. One of the things that's helping is music. So on trawling through YouTube, I found an album that I haven't listened to in a while. One songs lyrics has just hit me right between the eyes:
"Wearing The Inside Out" - Pink Floyd
From morning to night I stayed out of sight
Didn't recognize I'd become
No more than alive I'd barely survive
In a word...overrun
Won't hear a sound
From my mouth
I've spent too long
On the inside out
My skin is cold
To the human touch
This bleeding heart's
Not beating much
I murmured a vow of silence and now
I don't even hear when I think aloud
Extinguished by light I turn on the night
Wear its darkness with an empty smile
I'm creeping back to life
My nervous system all awry
I'm wearing the inside out
Look at him now
He's paler somehow
But he's coming round
He's starting to choke
It's been so long since he spoke
Well he can have the words right from my mouth
And with these words I can see
Clear through the clouds that covered me
Just give it time then speak my name
Now we can hear ourselves again
I'm holding out
For the day
When all the clouds
Have blown away
I'm with you now
Can speak your name
Now we can hear
Ourselves again
Didn't recognize I'd become
No more than alive I'd barely survive
In a word...overrun
Won't hear a sound
From my mouth
I've spent too long
On the inside out
My skin is cold
To the human touch
This bleeding heart's
Not beating much
I murmured a vow of silence and now
I don't even hear when I think aloud
Extinguished by light I turn on the night
Wear its darkness with an empty smile
I'm creeping back to life
My nervous system all awry
I'm wearing the inside out
Look at him now
He's paler somehow
But he's coming round
He's starting to choke
It's been so long since he spoke
Well he can have the words right from my mouth
And with these words I can see
Clear through the clouds that covered me
Just give it time then speak my name
Now we can hear ourselves again
I'm holding out
For the day
When all the clouds
Have blown away
I'm with you now
Can speak your name
Now we can hear
Ourselves again
Life: "Good news everyone..."
"You're going to the planet of certain death."
Sorry, couldn't resist the Futurama quote.
So I've moaned and whinged and stuff a lot on my blog, working through some issues and trying to figure out my direction. For a change I thought I'd give you some good news :)
Today has been a good day, partly helped by finding £100 in my wallet that I didn't know I had! :)
Following on from my resolution post, I started with a nice long walk today. Had to go to the pet shop to get some supplies, so walked it. I've been told I walk pretty fast and managed to cover about 4 miles in 75 mins, half of it with rabbit food on my back and hay in my hands. I don't know if that really classes as being fast though.
Came back from there and then went to have my hair cut which means I feel tidier as my hair is horrible when it's long.
I also managed to practice a bit more on the guitar. Trying to learn some riffs to toughen up my fingers. They're short and stubby, so chords are a bloody nightmare as when i press down on one string, my fingers touch others causing horrible noises. Hopefully, it'll get easier.
I also had a chat with the flatmate and she's supporting the changes i'm making and is even planning on making ones herself. One of those changes for her is a twice weekly walking session with my boss. I'm slightly worried that things may get said but that worry is far outweighed by my happiness that she's making changes for her own happiness. If it gets round the office that i've never had a relationship, i'm sure i'll get a few comments but people have taken the piss out of me for being short all my life so it's nothing new!
So a pretty good day I think. I also have the impression that 2014 could be a good year. I've just got to keep the momentum going and that's going to be difficult on cold, wet, windy days after a long week at work.
If you see me slacking in the coming year, please give me a kick in the arse!
Sorry, couldn't resist the Futurama quote.
So I've moaned and whinged and stuff a lot on my blog, working through some issues and trying to figure out my direction. For a change I thought I'd give you some good news :)
Today has been a good day, partly helped by finding £100 in my wallet that I didn't know I had! :)
Following on from my resolution post, I started with a nice long walk today. Had to go to the pet shop to get some supplies, so walked it. I've been told I walk pretty fast and managed to cover about 4 miles in 75 mins, half of it with rabbit food on my back and hay in my hands. I don't know if that really classes as being fast though.
Came back from there and then went to have my hair cut which means I feel tidier as my hair is horrible when it's long.
I also managed to practice a bit more on the guitar. Trying to learn some riffs to toughen up my fingers. They're short and stubby, so chords are a bloody nightmare as when i press down on one string, my fingers touch others causing horrible noises. Hopefully, it'll get easier.
I also had a chat with the flatmate and she's supporting the changes i'm making and is even planning on making ones herself. One of those changes for her is a twice weekly walking session with my boss. I'm slightly worried that things may get said but that worry is far outweighed by my happiness that she's making changes for her own happiness. If it gets round the office that i've never had a relationship, i'm sure i'll get a few comments but people have taken the piss out of me for being short all my life so it's nothing new!
So a pretty good day I think. I also have the impression that 2014 could be a good year. I've just got to keep the momentum going and that's going to be difficult on cold, wet, windy days after a long week at work.
If you see me slacking in the coming year, please give me a kick in the arse!
Friday, 27 December 2013
Life: Reflections and hopes
Its that time when we reflect on the past year and look forward to the next so I thought i'd share some thoughts.
So what can I say has happened over the past year? I found and lost an online relationship. Although, on reflection, that relationship was doomed from the start, there are still times I miss her. I hope she's doing well and is happy.
I started off the year feeling very low and not really knowing the reason. I'm still low but believe I know the cause. Unfortunately the fix is not easy but for the first time in my life I can say that I believe I want a special someone in my life. Sad that I spent my first 40 years denying myself any fun, but need to move on and try to fiz it.
I dont know if i'll ever find someone to spend the night and more with as I am not an island and others I care about would be affected if it was to happen. Mind you, if I went out at night with the intention of returning with a partner, a fly-on-the-wall would be watching a car crash of epic proportions. So i've gotta take baby steps just to get out my front door first!
So Resolution 1: i'm 2 stone overweight, and the gym scares the hell out of me. So i'm going to do a lot more walking, take a very long route home every day. Eventually, maybe, i'll join a gym but that'll be later in the year.
Resolution 2: I need to go out more. I'm a hermit with no friends outside of the house (unless you count g+ :) ). so earlier in the year I saw the council run group guitar lessons so i'll find it again and join up.
So that's my plan. Hopefully it's achievable. My theory is that if I can lose some weight and learn to socialise, maybe, just maybe, that dream of finding a partner will be a litte closer.
If anyone has any suggestions/recommendations or whatever, please drop me a line.
So what can I say has happened over the past year? I found and lost an online relationship. Although, on reflection, that relationship was doomed from the start, there are still times I miss her. I hope she's doing well and is happy.
I started off the year feeling very low and not really knowing the reason. I'm still low but believe I know the cause. Unfortunately the fix is not easy but for the first time in my life I can say that I believe I want a special someone in my life. Sad that I spent my first 40 years denying myself any fun, but need to move on and try to fiz it.
I dont know if i'll ever find someone to spend the night and more with as I am not an island and others I care about would be affected if it was to happen. Mind you, if I went out at night with the intention of returning with a partner, a fly-on-the-wall would be watching a car crash of epic proportions. So i've gotta take baby steps just to get out my front door first!
So Resolution 1: i'm 2 stone overweight, and the gym scares the hell out of me. So i'm going to do a lot more walking, take a very long route home every day. Eventually, maybe, i'll join a gym but that'll be later in the year.
Resolution 2: I need to go out more. I'm a hermit with no friends outside of the house (unless you count g+ :) ). so earlier in the year I saw the council run group guitar lessons so i'll find it again and join up.
So that's my plan. Hopefully it's achievable. My theory is that if I can lose some weight and learn to socialise, maybe, just maybe, that dream of finding a partner will be a litte closer.
If anyone has any suggestions/recommendations or whatever, please drop me a line.
Sunday, 22 December 2013
Life: Does Intimacy Matter?
So, I'm on a downer again. Please read this later if you are interested in the question, but don't want anything to damage your seasonal cheer. Sorry it's another post without any pictures and I seem to be using this blog as a soap box at the moment. Sometimes, just getting these things out actually helps. I don't think I'm expecting any responses to the question, but welcome anyone's ideas if they care to share them.
I've been asking myself the above question very regularly recently. I'm not necessarily talking about sex, but those moments of having someone special in your life and the snuggling on the sofa or just missing each other when your not together.
As anyone who reads my blog (if anyone actually does!) will know, I'm over 40, single and have never had a relationship. I share a house with a woman and her daughter and I've shared with them for over 18 years. Ever since I was 16 or so and realised I was ugly and/or undesirable to the ladies, I gave up on having a relationship. That was fine until I approached 40 when something changed in me. My head still rules my body, but my heart is craving or yearning for something that I've never had. It hurts and I feel so lonely at times.
Now, my housemate is my one and only friend and I wouldn't do anything deliberately to hurt her, and I know that she see's us as a family unit. She is single herself, yet has had relationships in the past. One of which almost killed her (and would have done if something hadn't made me wake at 2am one day). She says she sometimes feels lonely too, she doesn't believe she'll have another relationship and that I should just suck it up and stop feeling like I'm missing out. After all, relationships are hard work and aren't all about those lovely, sweet moments together. Maybe I'm just going through a mid-life crisis? Every day, something will remind me of what I've never had and as a social phobic, realistically will probably never have.
Some reading this may say, just go out and find someone. But it isn't as easy as that (tried the internet dating thing one time, had a few interested people who I never heard from again as soon as my photo went up). My housemate has had a hard life and is happy in this 'family' unit we have built together that was once described as like a marriage without the fun bits. Tbh, it has given me, so, so much as well. I don't want to damage that but my heart is clamoring for attention after being ignored for 40 years. About 6 months ago, I sort-of met someone on the internet. We exchanged lots of emails, skyped, etc and I felt close to her. I was fooling myself though. 4000 miles is much to far to have a relationship with someone. It ended 3 months ago, yet I still miss her and the dreams of what could have been. My housemate took this 'relationship' badly and felt I was just going to get up and leave the 'family' at a moments notice on some fantasy that wouldn't work out. At one point she felt so threatened that she even offered herself to me in a bid to keep me here. I declined as I knew her expression of love for me wasn't real in that way. We are like siblings and the thought of us together is just weird. I care for her, but I've no idea if those feelings are love, as a difficult childhood means that I don't actually know what love feels like.
So, my question is, can we live a life without intimacy? Does being human require intimacy?
I'm old and believe my chances of meeting someone are virtually non-existent, so it's probably all a rhetorical question anyway. I want to feel happier in myself, so I can be happy and fulfilled for those around me, so how do I bury these feelings so I don't feel pangs of pain every time a couple share a cuddle on the TV or someone on G+ expresses how happy they are that their partner is with them.
I know some people would recommend not burying these feelings, that I let them out for once. But I know doing so would irreparably damage my relationship with my one-and-only friend and because of her experiences, it would probably ruin her life as well as mine.
I can only hope that the new year brings better cheer. Maybe I'll stop feeling this way, or will find an activity to throw my heart into so it stops yearning for intimacy, love, and maybe even sex. If I don't get on top of this soon, it's going to be a very difficult in the weeks surrounding that day in mid Feb!
I've been asking myself the above question very regularly recently. I'm not necessarily talking about sex, but those moments of having someone special in your life and the snuggling on the sofa or just missing each other when your not together.
As anyone who reads my blog (if anyone actually does!) will know, I'm over 40, single and have never had a relationship. I share a house with a woman and her daughter and I've shared with them for over 18 years. Ever since I was 16 or so and realised I was ugly and/or undesirable to the ladies, I gave up on having a relationship. That was fine until I approached 40 when something changed in me. My head still rules my body, but my heart is craving or yearning for something that I've never had. It hurts and I feel so lonely at times.
Now, my housemate is my one and only friend and I wouldn't do anything deliberately to hurt her, and I know that she see's us as a family unit. She is single herself, yet has had relationships in the past. One of which almost killed her (and would have done if something hadn't made me wake at 2am one day). She says she sometimes feels lonely too, she doesn't believe she'll have another relationship and that I should just suck it up and stop feeling like I'm missing out. After all, relationships are hard work and aren't all about those lovely, sweet moments together. Maybe I'm just going through a mid-life crisis? Every day, something will remind me of what I've never had and as a social phobic, realistically will probably never have.
Some reading this may say, just go out and find someone. But it isn't as easy as that (tried the internet dating thing one time, had a few interested people who I never heard from again as soon as my photo went up). My housemate has had a hard life and is happy in this 'family' unit we have built together that was once described as like a marriage without the fun bits. Tbh, it has given me, so, so much as well. I don't want to damage that but my heart is clamoring for attention after being ignored for 40 years. About 6 months ago, I sort-of met someone on the internet. We exchanged lots of emails, skyped, etc and I felt close to her. I was fooling myself though. 4000 miles is much to far to have a relationship with someone. It ended 3 months ago, yet I still miss her and the dreams of what could have been. My housemate took this 'relationship' badly and felt I was just going to get up and leave the 'family' at a moments notice on some fantasy that wouldn't work out. At one point she felt so threatened that she even offered herself to me in a bid to keep me here. I declined as I knew her expression of love for me wasn't real in that way. We are like siblings and the thought of us together is just weird. I care for her, but I've no idea if those feelings are love, as a difficult childhood means that I don't actually know what love feels like.
So, my question is, can we live a life without intimacy? Does being human require intimacy?
I'm old and believe my chances of meeting someone are virtually non-existent, so it's probably all a rhetorical question anyway. I want to feel happier in myself, so I can be happy and fulfilled for those around me, so how do I bury these feelings so I don't feel pangs of pain every time a couple share a cuddle on the TV or someone on G+ expresses how happy they are that their partner is with them.
I know some people would recommend not burying these feelings, that I let them out for once. But I know doing so would irreparably damage my relationship with my one-and-only friend and because of her experiences, it would probably ruin her life as well as mine.
I can only hope that the new year brings better cheer. Maybe I'll stop feeling this way, or will find an activity to throw my heart into so it stops yearning for intimacy, love, and maybe even sex. If I don't get on top of this soon, it's going to be a very difficult in the weeks surrounding that day in mid Feb!
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